Passions.

There are so many things I want to do--no, I long to do in my life. God has blessed me with such a wonderful but strange array of talents and passions, and I just want to pursue them with all I've got.

But life has a sticky way of messing that up.

God has given me my voice; I want to belt my heart out for an audience every day of my life, to struggle up the music industry ladder, to give concerts on park benches until I finally make it.

God has given me my acting ability (that I apparently have); I want to pursue acting, to obsess over roles and have a merry time working with different theatres.

These talents match up: my ultimate dream here is to tour as part of the London cast of Les Mis some day. 

God has given me an intense desire to be a homemaker and homeschooling mother. I cannot wait :)

God has placed a burden on my heart to adopt a child with special needs.

God has, I believe, put me in the place to major in Therapeutic Recreation, where I will learn to work with people of all disabilities and lack thereof, and to help them gain valuable skills in a hands-on way.

For the next two and a half years, I will be doing my 1500 service hours required to qualify for my post-senior year internship. 

If I pursue singing and acting, then I can't major in my more marketable program and will not be preparing for raising a child with "disabilities." If I head down my current path, what outlet do I have for my voice? And pursuing any of these means accepting not getting married or even heading towards it for several years.

(Haha. This is NOT my wedding dress, for the record.)

How do these all match up? The passions and the commitments, the callings and the longings? Is this what being an adult is about--choosing which dreams to let die, and which to hold on to?

I'm just frustrated, I suppose, that the world can finally be so full of things to be passionate and excited about, yet I can't pursue them.

This isn't the remnant teenager in me angsting over the newest model of cell phone she can't have. These are deep passions of mine, the things that I love from the bottom of my heart. I can't see any path that allows me to pursue all of my passions.

Somehow, God has a plan in all of this. "I gave you all these passions--don't think I don't have a use for them."

God does not waste people, passions, or talents. They're all here for a reason. I suppose I just wish I knew what those reasons are.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."

I'm searching, Lord. 

Thanks for listening to my struggles over the past couple of years, ladies. It's been a bumpy and sometimes frustratingly rapidly-changing road, but soon I won't be able to second-guess the course I'm running--even now, I'm pretty much locked in for the next 2 and a half years :) God is going to guide me to the things I ought to be pursuing, and no matter what, trials will keep me living in light of eternity.

Blessings,

Hannah =)

P.S. Guess who is NOT allergic to milk anymore? This little lady right here :)

Green.

As you already know if you've been following my blog for any length of time, I live to create. Right now, the main outlet of my creativity is making things for my dorm room that I will be moving into in five months (almost to the day.) As promised, here is my color scheme!

This is a fleece blanket that I made with materials I received for Christmas this year :) I just love the bright colors (brighter than the picture) and decided to seize my chance to base a room off of them! My room at home is inspired by more muted colors with a more French, rustic theme, but I do just adore the brights.

I already have quite a bit collected for my dorm organization and kitchen (I have to cook all my own food in my dorm because of my allergies.)

These bowls are microwave safe and are at the dollar store right now! I'm doing my research to make sure they're safe, even though they're made in China, and then I might just have to get more :) The color is absolutely perfect and I've been looking for bowls!

 Drawer organizers

Plates--sometimes you just have to use plastic! I'm hoping to find some ceramic ones as well.

For the last few years, I've been thinking of certain things I want to do when I have my own home, such as using natural cleaning products, all cloth napkins, re-usable grocery bags (even the ones for produce), etc. I realized that I can start these things in my dorm as well! My cloth napkin collection is growing, and I'm also currently making crocheted mesh produce bags and a set of small kitchen hand towels in my color scheme! This is great fun :)

In other happy news, I had a super proud-of-myself moment the other day. See, I've battled sickness since I was thirteen, and have been physically very weak for a long time because of that. Praise the Lord, I've been slowly but surely recovering my health and strength! Throughout my teen years, "I can't" was a required go-to phrase and I just hated having to say it.

Anyways, this weekend was Leadership Training (for the students) for the program I am working with called Youth and Government. I'm the sort of college intern girl who does the random labor that needs to be done for the administrators. My job involved sorting the kids' bill books into the right number for each group, but the boxes were super heavy. My supervisor offered to get the boxes for me because I "have skinny arms," but I wanted to try. And boy did I conquer those boxes! To be able to say "I'm much stronger than I look" is such a blessing. Also, ladies, lifting weights pays off!

Blessings,

Hannah =)

Seattle.

Today we celebrated my dear friend Moriah's birthday in Seattle--it was me, Moriah, and our friends Jesse and Camron. We had a delightful time traipsing about Pike's Place Market and the other places in downtown. I may say I live "near Seattle" for convenience' sake, but I really live in hicksville in the rural fringe over an hour away.

 Seattle is so fun! Pike Place Market is pretty much a permanent mostly-indoor farmer's market. 

 It was incredibly windy and raining on and off, so I broke out the headscarf (and made a few silly faces for the camera.)

 ...as did Moriah and Camron.

Pretty flowers being sold!

I bought Moriah a tulip :D

The ferris wheel is finally open for business. Instead of open baskets, I believe it has enclosed pods. Oh, the innovations necessary in the rainy part of the country :)

 Moriah and Me!

Moriah and Jesse.

As we were leaving the city, it started to dump rain, then hail like nobody's business! The roads were practically flooding.

I got hit on at least three times. Poor Dave was a little heartbroken that I would not shake his hand and talk with him in the middle of the road. I got quacked at (yes, quacked), "hey"ed at, and stared at. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me.

All in all, a fun day!

I would love to hear what my few faithful followers are up to! Did anyone do anything exciting this weekend?

Blessings,

Hannah

Yellow.

Me again. It's technically spring now, but the overcast skies would, I think, beg to differ. 

Today I face the same conundrum I do most days:

Astronomy homework or knitting?

It's hard to say no to this fun little project:

The picture quality is no good, but this is the sunniest yellow waffle-weave kitchen towel that will ever exist on this side of eternity :) I was blessed with a complexion that I just love, but does not work with orange or yellow. Because of this, I must live vicariously through my kitchen linens. My brother's friend's mom just donated her entire (significantly sized) yarn stash to my mother and I and I am just loving tearing through it!

I'm loving my short hair, though it is certainly ready for a trim.

After a long, tearful, stressful couple of days, the decisions are complete and I am enrolled in Eastern Washington University.

It's on the other side of the mountains and gets a lot more snow than I am used to, but I'm stocking up on the sweaters and am definitely excited :) This school started off as a long-shot--it was farther from home than my parents were hoping for, I would have to get granted a meal plan exemption because of my allergies, a few specific things with my major needed to happen, certain cooking appliances needed to be allowed in the dorms...so earlier this year, I gave it up to God. I said "if You want me here, all these details need to work out. If they work out, I will go. Otherwise, please close the door." One by one, details worked out, fell through, then worked out again, and here we are. There are no long shots where God is concerned.

My dorm colors are all picked out, using a fleece blanket I have as the palette. It's a black background with bright yellow, turquoise, orange, pink, and green polka dots. My yellow towel above is going to be coming with me =)

Just be forewarned that most of my posts over the next six months will be about my many projects to fully equip myself and my living space for University. I call it University because I am already in college and will have my two-year degree in less than ten weeks--hallelujah!!! So really I'm not going to be "starting college" this September--I will be starting University.

This quarter I only needed one science class and one class of absolutely anything to finish my 2-year--so I'm taking a drama class! It isn't just any old introductory drama--it's Performance Production. Essentially, we as a class are putting on a play at the end of the quarter and doing all of the behind-the-scenes AND onstage work for it. It's incredibly fun and I even got cast for the role I wanted :)

That's the basic update for now. God is stretching me and preparing me for new things, and it's exciting as I learn to lean into Him more and more :)

Blessings,

Hannah =)

3 A.M.

Actually, 3:11 to be exact. Can somebody say "Last two days of the quarter crunch time in which nobody gets to sleep because they are too busy doing crazy amounts of homework?"

Oh. I just did.

Thanks for bearing with me and my nearly non-existent posting lately. I really am dying to have a little time to keep in touch with you guys better!

Good Day Sunshine.

It's a bullet point type of day:

--Today was excellently sunny, if still quite chilly.

--As of yesterday, I now have five piercings! Two in each ear, and my little nose stud.

--I went to the mall yesterday with my friend Moriah and bought a bunch of beautiful dangly earrings =)

--I applied to work at a lovely bible camp this summer (Hello Lyndsay and/or minions if you are just now stopping by!) and should be hearing from them within the next couple days!

--I just love being a junior high small group leader--I'm always amazed by the questions I can throw at those kids and the answers they come up with, plus the sheer creativity and dedication! Sometimes I forget they're only around 13...sometimes. Hehe

--If you ask God to put witnessing opportunities in your life, it will happen! Just be prepared :)

--My acceptance letter to my first choice university came on Monday! 

--I now have no hair. At least that's how it feels...

This isn't the greatest picture of it, but I think I love it. It's just going to take a little getting used to. My dear friend Autumn is in hair school right now and I let her cut it :)

--After having this short of hair for only a few hours, I am already crocheting up yet another scarf because I'm realizing just how cold my neck gets without hair! All I really had directly on hand was white crochet cotton, so there will definitely be some grandma lace in my scarf closet soon!

Happy almost-spring-break!

Blessings,

Hannah =)

The Struggle.

(This is an extremely long post and severely lacking in pictures, but God put it on my heart that I need to start sharing this more openly.)

What's Wrong With America?

Is this not a question that everyone asks? We look around and we see something very wrong. Regardless of our faith or creed, moral beliefs or academic achievement, we all know there's something wrong with America.

Every day I hear the commercials on the radio. I see the ads on TV.

America is fat. America needs to lose weight.

YOU need to lose weight. YOU can lose weight. YOU can do it too. Eat right, eat less, work out, and did I mention EAT LESS?

These are the messages I hear every day. This is what my culture is conditioning everyone to hear. Because America is overweight.

But I'm not.

Oh, you poor baby. Quit complaining and go back to your skinny corner.

The problem is, I grew up chubby. In junior high and part of high school, I was a size 12 and almost all my friends were running around in their size 3s and 5s. The single digits. It was not easy at all, let me tell you.

I lost a few pounds when I was about 15 but not too much. When I was 16, due to some health problems and undiagnosed medical anorexia from food allergies, I lost about twenty pounds within two or three weeks. Now that I was off of the foods I was allergic to, that weight wasn't coming back, but I still couldn't eat much because of the shock to my body. Here I was, suddenly on the low end of healthy weight, and quickly getting used to being the girl who didn't eat much and was allergic to everything.

My health problems persisted. I was still sick. We went to another doctor who took a look at my diet and told me to stop eating a few potato chips every day. Sure my metabolism was working just fine now, but I needed to start now if I wanted to maintain a healthy weight throughout my life. Nip it in the bud, as they say.

It shouldn't take a genius to know that you do not ever insinuate to a girl who eats roughly 1200 calories a day that she is in danger of gaining weight sometime in the future. This was the catalyst, but the problem would sit and simmer for a while longer yet.

About six months passed. At this time I was a freshman in college intending to study nutrition. When I enrolled in my introductory nutrition course, I began to realize just how big of a problem I had developed. As part of the course, we had to do an extremely in-depth analysis of our own diets. When I saw the assignment I got a little queasy, but didn't know then how many teary hours would be spent on that project.

Allow me to note here that my family is of the peculiar belief that the FDA is a corrupt political system, that butter is actually very good for you, and that one's fat intake ought to be higher than the teaspoon or so per day that the food pyramid allows. So my results were “bad.”

As I mentioned before, there were teary afternoons shut up in my bedroom as I struggled to finish the project. Mascara was smeared all over pillows and sheets. Shamed as I am to admit it, there were fleeting moments of resolution to stop eating, to sneak to the bathroom as soon as people were outside and make myself throw up.

Thank God, and I truly believe it was Him, that I to this day have never acted on these impulses.

Every day, I hear messages about weight loss and I see underweight being paraded as beauty. I see advertisements that claim to help you be able to eat less.

Should I be eating less?

It's at this point that reality caves in on itself and my brain splits into two parts, the diseased and the reality. The reality part of my brain says of course silly, if anything you don't eat enough. The diseased part says maybe you've started eating more and haven't realized it. Unfortunately, the diseased voice has a higher decibel level. Still, I've somehow always maintained the small reality voice. I understand a lot of people are not so blessed.

Advertisements say snacking is bad. I eat snacks.

My parents joined WeightWatchers and started their journey through the Points, the weighing, the measuring, the tracking. Together. They were tracking and analyzing everything that went into their mouth down to the almond. What if they were paying attention to what I was eating?

I felt like if I ever, on any occasion, ate even the same amount as them, it was too much. I was shorter and skinnier than either of them, right? My mom had always been a “sugar Nazi” growing up, so now I felt like I had to hide any junk food I had from her, whether I had it a lot or a little.

When I want to eat anything other than a piece of fruit, I have to push aside the temptation to feel worthless. When I eat too much candy with friends or by myself, I feel like a failure. Eating in front of people is traumatizing. Remember, I have allergies. I know everyone is watching what I eat because they are curious. I am never eating the same thing other people are. Food has to be a much-discussed part of my life, but I can't escape the feeling that it must be inherently shameful unless it is only cucumbers and bananas. And I wonder if any man can ever truly love me. I feel like he'll try, but eventually my problems will be too much.

It's been a year since those teary afternoons locked up in my bedroom, and needless to say nutrition major is DEFINITELY out the window. In the last year, I have definitely come a long way. God is showing me how to love myself, but it's a process. What seems like the most innocuous thing can still set off the pistons in my disease-brain on occasion. Slowly but surely, I'm learning to fight it.

So what is wrong with America? We are obsessed with the numbers. The pounds, the calories, the Points. It's inescapable. If we aren't obsessing, we must be doing something wrong. That's the message I'm getting.

So what do you expect?

This is the hardest thing I've ever written. This is my story, and an attempt to explain what life is like inside of my head. It's not a perfect picture. I don't think anyone with a healthy mind could ever wrap their head around this disease completely, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't know who is going to see this story, I just know that it has to be told. Girls, guys, if you feel this way, you aren't alone. There is no measure on your value. I don't know why you'd want to take advice from someone whose mind is this messed up, but this is the reality center speaking right now. We CAN beat this. We can feel great about ourselves not just because we are HOT (even though we are, because that's how He made us!) but because our value doesn't come from our looks, but from God. He made us with such great care and every time we doubt that, we are dishonoring His creation.

If you are reading this and struggling, reach out. You will absolutely despise the accountability of people knowing your struggle at first, but I've found that the more people I'd be letting down, the easier it is not to give in.

God has allowed me to keep this struggle so that I can help and encourage others who are having the same struggle. That means I can't keep this message under lock and key. I have to shout it from the rooftops. Which is NO FUN, by the way. If you are reading this, would you consider passing it on? I want everyone to know that they're not alone and that there IS hope!

Love and Blessings,

Hannah