There are so many things I want to do--no, I long to do in my life. God has blessed me with such a wonderful but strange array of talents and passions, and I just want to pursue them with all I've got.
But life has a sticky way of messing that up.
God has given me my voice; I want to belt my heart out for an audience every day of my life, to struggle up the music industry ladder, to give concerts on park benches until I finally make it.
God has given me my acting ability (that I apparently have); I want to pursue acting, to obsess over roles and have a merry time working with different theatres.
These talents match up: my ultimate dream here is to tour as part of the London cast of Les Mis some day.
God has given me an intense desire to be a homemaker and homeschooling mother. I cannot wait :)
God has placed a burden on my heart to adopt a child with special needs.
God has, I believe, put me in the place to major in Therapeutic Recreation, where I will learn to work with people of all disabilities and lack thereof, and to help them gain valuable skills in a hands-on way.
For the next two and a half years, I will be doing my 1500 service hours required to qualify for my post-senior year internship.
If I pursue singing and acting, then I can't major in my more marketable program and will not be preparing for raising a child with "disabilities." If I head down my current path, what outlet do I have for my voice? And pursuing any of these means accepting not getting married or even heading towards it for several years.
(Haha. This is NOT my wedding dress, for the record.)
How do these all match up? The passions and the commitments, the callings and the longings? Is this what being an adult is about--choosing which dreams to let die, and which to hold on to?
I'm just frustrated, I suppose, that the world can finally be so full of things to be passionate and excited about, yet I can't pursue them.
This isn't the remnant teenager in me angsting over the newest model of cell phone she can't have. These are deep passions of mine, the things that I love from the bottom of my heart. I can't see any path that allows me to pursue all of my passions.
Somehow, God has a plan in all of this. "I gave you all these passions--don't think I don't have a use for them."
God does not waste people, passions, or talents. They're all here for a reason. I suppose I just wish I knew what those reasons are.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."
I'm searching, Lord.
Thanks for listening to my struggles over the past couple of years, ladies. It's been a bumpy and sometimes frustratingly rapidly-changing road, but soon I won't be able to second-guess the course I'm running--even now, I'm pretty much locked in for the next 2 and a half years :) God is going to guide me to the things I ought to be pursuing, and no matter what, trials will keep me living in light of eternity.
P.S. Guess who is NOT allergic to milk anymore? This little lady right here :)