Saturday, March 26, 2016

Shatter.


After an extended break, thoughts of a new domain name, etc. etc. I am back to this sweet little blog I started when I was just 17. I've taken the time to weed through all the old posts and wow, how much my little life and I have changed over the last several years.

Nothing turns out the way we think it will. Nothing happened the way I expected.
I never thought much about falling in love--I just wanted babies. Now I can't imagine life without my best friend.



I focused so much on homemaking, looking forward to it constantly.
I hate it.
I'm bad at it.

And here's the kicker. I always thought I would be the crazy mom with eleven children, who spent a huge amount of her adult life pregnant.
It turns out just one with my eyes, or his hair, will be a miracle.



It's been a dark season in our family.
Our hopes have been raised and shattered more times than I can count.
We went on a grand adventure of faith across the country and came back empty-handed, disillusioned, and broken.
We prayed and waited for a positive test, but none came.
It seemed like we were beaten down at every turn, and every ray of hope turned out to be nothing.


Finally, I broke.
No more waiting, no more testing, no more hoping.
It's funny.
This is not how I expected it.
I was always supposed to be strong.
I guess in this case, strength is admitting when you can't take any more. When the options have been exhausted and for sanity's sake it has to stop.

So I am searching for a job. We will work, and we will not have babies for a couple of years.
My heart is broken but I know it will break more if we keep trying.
This is the time we get our life back from darkness and move onward to something,
anything.

This has been heavy, but through giving up on my dream to reclaim my life, there is a ray of hope.
God has a plan. And His plan is greater.

I'm at peace.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Change.

It's been a long time! So many months of changes, moving forward, falling backward, and learning to trust all over again that God has us. It's been a very difficult time of moving around and losing a lot, but somehow we're still here.

Camp, moving all the way to Florida, then a whirlwind of crazy that dumped us back here. In my parents' guest room in Washington...for the last two and a half months with no clear end in sight. Health problems, plans let go of, hopes crushed time and time again that maybe, just maybe, this month it will be a "yes" and not another cyst and a new round of bedrest and doctor's visits.

Truth is, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm heartbroken, and I have no idea what the future holds. God has been slowly but surely bringing back my joy, my hope, and my trust that even though everything keeps falling apart, He's still got me.

I've been in pain and have spent most of the last three weeks in bed and otherwise resting, which has of course meant that my creative juices have been flooding this entire house. My husband and I are getting into the idea of homesteading and prepping, so I'll be starting a new series on handicraft skills very soon! Stay tuned for all things handmade!

Blessings,
Hannah

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Back to the Mountains

On June 13th, 2013, I got a phone call with the news that in exactly three days I would begin my summer at camp. Three days to prepare, pack, and wrap my head around the fact that I was leaving for eight weeks on such short notice. My father cried, my mom and I did last-minute shopping, I graduated from community college, and then...I went. Up to the mountains, where I spent the most difficult yet rewarding summer of my life.
I was introduced to hobo stew...

Rocked the pioneer bonnet...

Learned how to hula hoop (my goodness, was I skinny!)

Became more than comfortable in the treetops...

And that was only in the first week!

And now...
I get to do it all again.
Fourteen long weeks up in the mountains, this time with my dear husband by my side! 
We're so ridiculously excited for this. I can't wait to go back to my old second home with JL and show him all my favorite places, some of my favorite people, fond memories, and overall share one of the best experiences with the very best person. 
Just thought I would share this with y'all!

Blessings,
Hannah =)

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

When God Says "Go"

We made a promise years ago, first separately and then together, to always say "yes" to God's calling.
Big or small, sensical or absolutely insane, we would always answer the call.
Over the last couple of months, God's been nudging us that it's time to leap again. What? Where? We didn't know. All we knew was that it was going to involve getting rid of almost all of our posessions, would have something to do with our calling to worship ministry, and would be the most difficult yet blessed experience in our lives yet. 

After weeks of the whisper in our ear, "Go," we finally know where we are going.

Over the next seven and a half months, we're getting rid of almost everything we own to move across the country in our little car.
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, is beckoning, as is a very special school that will train and equip us as worship leaders. 
It is going to be the biggest leap yet, the hardest financial journey yet,
yet...
I have no fear. We haven't even been accepted yet and we certainly don't have enought money yet, but we are so confident this is what God has for us. 
This is going to stretch and strengthen our marriage in beautiful ways. We'll be all the way across the country, just the two of us and God (and a great school community, of course.) None of our friends clsoe by, none of our family...we'll learn to lean on each other and God like never before.


My sweet nerdy husband with his Link hat that I crocheted. This was taken a few days after my birthday when we were celebrating with my parents.

JL's grandma gave all the girls scarves for Christmas, so naturally silly pictures ensued. The girl in the white scarf has been my dear friend for over ten years and this May she will be my sister-in-law! :D

There have been two major changes in my health the last couple of months (JL has the most perfect health ever and it's not particularly fair, but that doesn't make me less thankful!). First, PRAISE GOD that my plethora of food allergies I've been dealing with for years have been suddenly and miraculously healed! 
The less happy to deal with are the multiple ovarian cysts that have been deciding to rupture, one after the other, over the last couple months. I've been in a lot of pain, but my doctor has me on medication and it *should* be starting to get better soon. God knows what he's doing--it's a good thing babies were going to have to wait until after school anyway, though. :(

I don't know who all actually reads this anymore, but I hope everyone is having a blessed January and knows the power of trusting and living under the wing of God. May He enrich your lives as He has mine :)
Blessings,
Hannah

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Fantasy.

God has been speaking crazy, insane, unthinkable things over Jean-Luc and I over the last couple months. He's calling us to big things. And while we wait for those things to come to fruition, He is revealing some things we need to do. Why? We're not entirely sure yet.

(Can I get an amen?)

Minimalism. Being free of all the stuff, the clutter and attachment to things. That's the current project for us. God is telling us to be ready to go, whether that ends up being across town or across the world, and to not be tied down by our possessions. 

Because of all this, I'm reading a lot about minimalism. This article really spoke to me; it's about identifying our "fantasy self" and getting rid of the things we've collected for who we thought we should be rather than for who we are. Some people's fantasy selves are fashionistas even though they'd rather wear sweats, etc. etc.

Lately I've been starting to recognize my fantasy self and to start turning into myself, not who I think I should be.


My real self never paints her nails (I didn't even do them for my own wedding), has maybe two pieces of jewelry she wears, rocks a coat of mascara and no other makeup, and owns maybe three pairs of shoes and one purse. 
...why do I still own nail polish, a bunch of pairs of high heels, and a pouch full of different eyeliners?
My real self doesn't cook with recipes. Ever. And it works out great. Why do I have a shelf of cookbooks and a Pinterest board full of inspiration?
I'm a knitter, not a seamstress. Once my small wall-hanging quilt is done, it will be just cloth napkins and yarn from here on out.
My real self doesn't like flowers. Or football. Or "Christian" music (not to be confused with worship music!). Or...secular music, for that matter.
I am obsessed with the color turquoise, cute sweaters, sugary deliciousnesses and 1940s music. Simple cooking, non-stop knitting, and singing my heart out are some of my favorite things.
(I haven't stopped singing since!)

I don't believe in safe. I believe in the full glory of following God.
How can I live with reckless abandon if I'm trying to please others?


Just some thoughts for the afternoon. I'm off to my old bedroom at my mother's house to throw some heels and makeup into a donation bag.
Blessings,
Hannah =)



Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Lifeline.

"And He has said to me,
'My grace is sufficient for you,
for power is perfected
in weakness.'



Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses,
So that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore I am well content with
weaknesses, with
insults, with
distresses, with
persecutions, with
difficulties, for Christ's sake;

for when I am weak,
then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10


I just sent these verses to my husband, who is struggling to make it through one more day at his horrible job.
It's 7 am and it's already so bad.

This passage has been a lifeline to me. When I am weak, then I am strong.
God's power shows through my weaknesses.
Thank You God for that today.

This is the face of a weak, terrified woman made strong in the arms of her Savior.
This is just one more day for God to teach me to smile through pain.
There is no trial so great that He cannot overcome.

Blessings,
Hannah

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

At my Mother's House.

Mooching internet,
doing laundry,
catching up on Hulu,
sipping coffee and nibbling cookies,
looking for my camera in my old room,
laughing at this picture.

Hmmmmm...

Happy Tuesday.

Blessings,
Hannah =)